🧻Disasterpiece Theatre
Hey there, Oswald here the Weekend Warrior Wrecking Crew
So there I was, 7 a.m., waddling out of my bedroom with a duckling in one wing and dreams of coffee in the other. I open the door and immediately think: Tornado. Or maybe the house is being pressure-washed from the inside? Nope. It’s a whooshing sound so intense I briefly consider calling NASA to report an alien invasion.
I follow the sound down the hallway and discover my water heater has decided to become a geyser. Water is gushing out like it’s auditioning for Yellowstone. It’s shooting across the room, ricocheting off the wall, and flooding everything. I put my duckling plushie in a safe spot and dive into action like a heroic Eagle (or maybe slightly panicked duck? That part's up for debate.)
Step 1: Try the shut-off valve.
Step 2: Realize it’s decorative.
Step 3: Call my new plumber, Collin, who's still in bed
Step 4: Paddle circles around my living room, waiting anxiously.
Collin shows up fast (bless him), he shuts off the water at the street, because apparently that’s the only valve that works. Then he takes one look at the water heater, and says, “Huh. That’s a pipe fitting I’ve never seen fail before.” Cool. Love that for me.
I vacuum up the standing water with a shop vac, which feels like trying to drink the ocean with a straw. Insurance tells me to call the professional drying service, but they won’t confirm if they’ll pay for it. They just keep saying, “In the event it’s covered…” like they’re reading from a script written by Kafka.
The drying crew from Service Master of Bux Mont arrives and turns my house into a post-apocalyptic renovation zone. They rip up my beautiful Cali bamboo flooring, poke holes in the walls, remove baseboards, and pile my belongings like I'm prepping for a garage sale hosted by magpies. Industrial fans roar. Dehumidifiers hum. The cats are traumatized. My plushie pal is confused. I am damp. Don't get me wrong, they had to do all of it. It was necessary, and they did a great job, but it still sucks. It's like when tech support answers the phone and asks how you're doing and you have to fight with every fiber of your being to not say, "I'd be a lot better if I didn't have to call you." It's not their fault.
I ask insurance about hotel coverage. They say yes… “in the event it’s deemed covered.” I ask if there’s a limit. They say the adjuster will decide, when he arrives in 3 days' time. The adjuster arrives and says he doesn’t decide anything. He writes a report and sends it off. I'm now living in a hotel with my stuffed duckling and two cats who are plotting their escape (or my demise, I'm not entirely sure).
Moral of the story?
Things That Should Not Be Decorative?
Shut-off valves
Insurance policies
🦆 This has been a dramatization of a true story. Have a homeownership disaster story? Hit Reply or Comment Below & send it to Oswald. It might just inspire the next story! (Pictures welcome)
🧰 How the Flock Do I Fix This? Oz’s water heater went full Yellowstone. What now?
Hi Oz. I’m Collin, a licensed plumber and therapist to reluctant homeowners at Resistance Plumbing. First: I'm sorry your house turned into SeaWorld. Second: Let’s talk about what went wrong—and how the rest of us can avoid a geyser audition in our laundry rooms.
🛑 Prevention: What You Could’ve Done (No Judgment… Okay, Some Judgment)
Test Your Shut-Offs Once a Year.
Your shut-off valve shouldn’t just look pretty—it should shut it the flock down. Make those suckers dance the Twist once a year to make sure it turns easily and actually stops the water. If it doesn’t, replace it before you’re ankle-deep in regret.Know Where Your Main Shut-Off Is.
If you don’t know where your main shut-off valve is, it’s time to go on a scavenger hunt. It’s usually in the basement or garage near where the main water line enters your home from the outside. Sometimes it's outside near the meter. Label it. Teach your household where it is and how to turn it off. If you have bushes outside near your external shut off, keep them trimmed back. Consider a wrench on a hook nearby. Time is not your friend when the water starts flying sideways.Don’t trust old flex lines
Water heaters, washing machines, and dishwashers are silent saboteurs. Swap aging water lines with braided steel ones. They’re tougher, and less likely to ruin your week.Inspect Your Water Appliances Annually.
Just like you check your smoke alarms or judge your neighbor’s landscaping, all of your water appliances deserve a quick annual inspection. Look for rust, leaks, bulging, or anything that screams “imminent betrayal.”Read Your Insurance Policy
Read your homeowners insurance policy like it’s a thriller novel with a very unsatisfying ending. Understand what's covered and not covered before you need it. Consider working with an independent insurance agent. They are generally very knowledgeable about the coverages and instead of just selling you the cheapest policy they offer, they will actually help you assess what coverages you need and match you to policy options that will give you the coverage you expect (including the cheapest one, if that's what you insist on.)
🧼 Recovery: What You Can Do Now (Besides Adopt an Amphibian Lifestyle)
Shut Off the Water at the Street If You Must.
Yes, it’s a hassle. Yes, you might battle a wasp nest. But it’s better than letting the geyser redecorate. (Pro tip: Ask Resistance Plumbing to install a modern, accessible main shut-off inside next time.)Use the Shop Vac—Then Call the Pros.
Dewalt shop vacs are great for water, but you’re playing catch-up. Water damage hides in walls, baseboards, and your soul. Professional drying services are expensive, but mold remediation is more expensive—and far itchier.Call Your Insurance—But Document Everything.
Photos, videos, timestamps, receipts, texts, your emotional breakdown—save it all. Insurance adjusters work for the insurance company, not you. They love paperwork and plausible deniability.Contact a Public Adjuster like Alliance Adjustment Group
Terry Maloney, an awesome Public Adjuster, works for you and negotiates with the insurance company on your behalf. Stacks the odds in your favor.Push Back.
If they say “in the event it’s covered,” ask for that event’s RSVP. Insist on answers. You pay for this policy—make them earn it. If it turns out they suck as much as having water on your floor, call Dale Schlegel at Tailored Insurance Solutions. He doesn't suck.
Need help replacing a shut-off valve, installing a leak detector, or recovering from a plumbing trauma? We’ve got you. Resistance Plumbing: strong enough for a duck, but made for actual humans.
Together, we’ll survive the dryer lint fires, leaky basements, and existential dread of homeownership.
—The Nest Cult (Totally Not a Cult, Probably)
A homeowner’s guide to reluctant adulting.
📍Serving Southeastern PA Homeowners - Bucks, Montgomery, Chester, Delaware, Berks, Lehigh and Northampton Counties
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